Unmasking the Victim Mentality: A Guide to Recognizing and Overcoming Victim Behavior in Your Life

My neighbors have been fighting endlessly in their marriage. Even in the dark late night hours, I got up because of the screams and loud cries. Once, I even saw that the wife tried to hang herself (don't worry, she was not going to end her life seriously- and she didn't).

Of all the loud grudges I heard, one sentence was common — YOU DID THIS TO ME — and then the fight never stopped.

In psychology, we call both husband and wife behaviors "playing the victim."

Looking around, I saw most fights happen because we believed the other person was doing things to us. Most of us think we are victims. Some of us are victims of our spouses, childhood trauma, weather, poverty, disability etc etc.

In various shapes and sizes, most of us have an element of victim.

And then what followed inside me was questions, questions, a lot of questions:

Here are just a few of the questions whose answers I figured out.

What is a victim behavior?

A person with Victim behavior thinks he has no control over his circumstances, and he tends to blame others and external factors for his problems. He doesn't like to take responsibility for his actions.

A victim thinks most of the time, things happen to them.

How do you identify if you are victimizing yourself?

• You blame others or circumstances for failures or difficulties rather than taking responsibility, and for instance, you blame a failed exam on the teacher rather than accepting a lack of preparation.
• You regularly express a sense of entitlement or expectation that others should cater to your needs. For instance, you consistently expect your colleagues to cover your tasks at your workplace, and you need to reciprocate their help.
• You frequently feel and express powerlessness or helplessness in the face of challenges. For instance, you give up on learning a new skill like trading or arts when you can't meet your needs with your salary.
• You often engage in self-pity or self-deprecation, focusing excessively on negative experiences or shortcomings. Rather than focusing on your strengths, you attribute your failure to bad luck or some other factors that are not in your control.

Impact of Victim Behavior

Playing victim impacts your personal growth, relationships, and overall wellbeing:

Relationships

• A complete breakdown of trust from both sides
• Accusing others of not fulfilling their needs
• Fosters resentment

Personal growth

• Stop learning from your mistakes
• Continuous shifting of blame on external factors prevents the realization of one's role in the situation.
• No longer able to make positive changes as you stop reflecting and introspection on your actions

Over-all wellbeing

• Continuous feelings of helplessness
• Results in depression and anxiety
• Negative experiences reinforce victim mentality

Strategies to stop playing the victim in your life

Like everything in life, it all starts with acceptance. If you don't accept that you are sick, you will never see a doctor. If you don't take that you are playing the victim, you will never be able to get over it.

Here are the three strategies that can help you to overcome the victim behavior:

Self-awareness

Most of the time, we are stuck in our thought patterns as we aren’t conscious of them. Pay attention to how you think. Identify how much is an assumption and how much is reality. Understand that we all have our own biases, and we all see truth differently. Become aware of the times when you let go of your control of your life.

Self-awareness is enhanced with practice.

Take Responsibility

You are the creator of your own life. Happiness and misery are both created by you, and it all starts from within. There is no point in blaming your wife, son, daughter, relatives, or anything outside.

The world can only throw the situations at you; how you respond to them is up to you.

Therapy

Work with a mental health professional to create a strategy for your victim's attitude. Most people don't see a therapist or don't have the patience to go through the recovery plan. People still hesitate to see a therapist. Instead, they go to people who only reinforce their victim attitude.

It’s my wish that one day, we take responsibility for our lives. We understand that our life is our making. When we get into the “things happen to me” mode, we become puppets of something external. We all value our freedom, and we want to remain independent. But we become slaves when we export our responses, actions, and behaviors to some other person or situation when we say, “Things happen to me.”