Do we accept people the way they are?
We accept people only to the point we can be who we are
I was sipping my coffee, scrolling my phone mindlessly, when my Sis asked me, "Am I accepting of others"?
Knowing her for long enough helped me instantly answer, "No." I thought not accepting others is a good attribute because I know she is a person who lives by her values, and typically, people who live by their values don't accept others easily.
But she didn't quite like my answer. She questioned my "No" logic and asked me questions that further triggered many other questions.
Suddenly, it appeared to me that "acceptance" was not that simple.
What does acceptance mean?
Acceptance is a neutral thing. It means you acknowledge a reality as true and don't push to change something.
Accepting others means acknowledging that they have their own opinions, emotions, and principles without criticizing them or trying to change them. It's more than just tolerating others. It's unconditionally and wholeheartedly letting people be exactly who they are.
How do we know we are accepting others?
Getting away from the polarities
We always look at situations and people through various lenses like good-bad, pure-impure, justice-injustice, ethical-unethical, etc. These are polarities.
We get into these polarities through our conditioning since childhood. We rage war because of these polarities. It's not easy to be conscious of these polarities and forget about getting rid of them.
We are not acting compulsively on our opinions.
You don't have an opinion when you don't know about the subject or when you don't have any stake in the situation or people.
It appears noble to say, "I typically don't have any opinions about others." But it's not quite noble. We all have opinions. We should also have the intelligence to know when to act on them and when not.
It's in our interest to keep our opinions to ourselves unless someone asks for them or some action has to be taken.
We accept people only to the point we don't have a threat to our core values.
A value is a way of being or believing that we hold most important. Berne Brown listed the values below in her book Dare to Lead.
- Accountability
- Authenticity
- Balance
- Being the best
- Commitment
- Dignity
- Gratitude
- Growth
- Harmony
- Inclusion
Berne has listed plenty of such values. The list is quite exhaustive, and you should go through the list. It will help you to identify your core values.
My core value is Harmony, and I can't accept anyone who expects me to do something that will go against this core value.
Myths about Acceptance
We don't have to be accepting all the time… because we may end up becoming people pleasers.
A people-pleaser is a person who undervalues their own needs and desires to keep the other person happy.
People pleasers can be agreeable, helpful, and kind. However, they can also have trouble advocating for themselves. This can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.
Accepting others doesn't guarantee the relationship's longevity, But it ensures your mental well-being.
Every person has their journey. They make choices according to the journey they are in. A relationship is healthy only to the point we are not in conflicting choices. You may or may not want to be a part of their journey. So you can't just stay around them "accepting" their journey and thinking you will be happy.
It's not possible because you have your journey, too. At this point, we accept the differences in our journeys and part ways for the good of both of us.
So, acceptance doesn't guarantee the longevity of the relationship.
Acceptance also means walking away from the situation and the person — because you simply cannot do anything about both. You must know when you are relevant and when you are not.
There is no point in thinking that you can change others. Acceptance leads you to hang up your boots and walk away for your betterment and the betterment of others.
Summary
We accept people only to the extent we can be who we are. After that either we want to change them or walk away from them. Acceptance serves us first and then others.
Acceptance is the first step towards our mental well-being. Only when our well-being is taken care of, we can expect the stability in our relationships. For the stability of relationships, we cannot practice acceptance endlessly. And we don't have to because we can accept others only to the point that our core values are safe.
